satire — Nikhil’s Musings

Mayawati suffers PMS, announces manifesto

by Nikhil

Welcome back!

Addressing a rally organized as part of her 53rd birthday celebrations, India’s Dailt leader and Prime Minister in waiting, Kum. Mayawati announced her elephantine vision for India’s future. Showing no signs of the acute PMS (Prime Minister Syndrome) she was reportedly suffering from, Behenji vociferously lashed out at the opposition who called her corrupt. She even threatened to celebrate her 53rd birthday next year and stay 52 for a year more if the protests continue.

In a move that surprised all, she expressed unhappiness over Obama’s victory. “What if he is a black?”,said the CM. She said that the Republicans were always close to her. “Aap logo ne dekha nahi kya unka haathi?”,said her linking her party to the Republicans.
In her inimitable style, she changed sides half way through the rally. She said that she may now change her party symbol to gaddha not only to pledge support to the most powerful president in the world but to reflect the ethos of her drove.

She blasted the media for projecting Rahul Gandhi as the future PM. When asked about his ongoing Amethi tour with UK Foreign Secretary David Miliband, Kumari said,”Us bande mein kya hai?” leaving the media perplexed if she was referring to Milliband or Rahul.

Mayawati mentioned her recently launched blog and said it would bring newer generation to the polling booths. A reporter, who asked if she was trying to copy LK Advani’s idea, was taken away by her body guards. She said her blog was (a) hit even before the launch. When asked for the link, she smirked and said, “Dhoonte rah jaoge” .

To counter the oft abused slogan ” Bijli Sadak paani” by pro development parties, she announced her drab new slogan, “Behenji PM baney”.
Faking News managed to get a copy of her grand plans for India. Excerpts below:

We will focus on building the morale of the Indian armed forces to make them self reliant. Undue stress on discipline has affected the Indian forces and hence they were not able to advocate a single coup in the last 60 years, unlike our enemy neighbor that has mastered this art.

The center’s plan to set up NSG hubs across India is waste of precious resources. We will rename every state’s police force as Elite Commandoes like we have done to the UP Police( Now UP Elite Commandos ) Cost cutting starts at home.

We promise to have a separate ministry for protection of elephants; it is high time to change our national animal from the soon to be extinct tiger to the pachyderm. We will soon have elephants to take members to and from the parliament.

I am angry at ICC for not including even a single dalit cricketer in the list of 20 test cricketers of all times. We will ban ICC, a racist organization working against the secular fabric of India.

Unlike her earlier birthday celebrations, the chief minister did not announce a single project for the state and said her outlook was now national.

The CM said her rule has made UP a healthy state. She seemed convincing with the numbers she produced. “In some parts of UP, there is only a doctor for 30,000 people and that means people are healthy”, said Kumari.
The Rs. 12 Crores collected for the CM’s birthday will solely spent for her own good and not for the state, said the press release from her office. It is her birthday and not the state’s, the release added.

(This post was written by Shreyash and me. Previously published on Faking News with slight modifications)

Tags: Add new tag, advani, birthday, bsp, elections, elephant, humor, mayawati, politics, satire, uttar pradesh

January 16, 2009 19 Comments

Kissa kiss ka

by Nikhil

(This post was written by my friend Shreyash with some hopeless contribution from me.Faking News,a website that we discovered recently was kind enough to publish our news report. Thanks FN)

Mohali. Adding a new controversy to the already charged up India-Australia test series, Siddhartha Negi – Founder activist of MNS (Manoos Nari Sanghatan) has filed a written complaint against Australian speedster Brett Lee for blowing a kiss at Indian pacer Ishant Sharma during the third day of the 2nd test Match at Mohali. He has alleged that Brett Lee has shown complete disregard for Indian laws and culture and such an Act of obscenity should not go unpunished. He has demanded an unconditional apology from Brett Lee and went on to add that his organization will not allow any song sung by Asha Bhosle in any language to be played anywhere in the country since she had released an Album with Brett Lee a few years back.

In a peaceful protest against the visiting Australian team, MNS activists pelted stones and broke the window panes of Mauj’s Head Office, the music company which had released Brett Lee’s Debut Music Album in India. When reminded that Brett is an Australian National and Indian Laws might not apply to him, MNS Legal Head Rachita Maheshwari said, “Brett Lee has stated that Mohali is like his homeground, hence we can issue him a Ration Card from Mohali District, allow him to vote and then book him under Indian Laws”.

Brett, when contacted by our special correspondent said that his Flying Kiss was being blown out of proportion. Brett also said that Ishant was swinging both ways and that he was just trying to guard his wicket. The Indian camp has played down the incident stressing that no love has been lost between the two sides. Leading wicket-taker and cricket analyst Yogesh Chandorkar has said that, this is just another ploy by Greg Chappell to upset the Indian team. “Chappell’s strategy has backfired. He had advised the Aussies to understand Indian Culture. They have clearly misunderstood our culture and are now blowing kisses at our players” he reflected thoughtfully.

Ishant rubbished rumors that he was worried about the incident. He said that he will continue to work on his swing and he is expecting much more lateral movement as the series progresses. Analyst Neha Pathak from a Leading Investment bank was worried about the long term returns from Ishant’s endorsement deals but rock star Neha Saraf, was quite upbeat about the incident and is reportedly planning to release the Hindi Remix Version of The popular song, “I Kissed a Boy….” with Brett Lee.

Meanwhile the Australian received support from unexpected quarters. Just before the release of his book “Cover your Stump”, Leading gay rights activist and Fantasy Cricket winner Rohit Jain has written a strongly worded letter in support of Brett Lee’s right to express himself on and off the field. He quotes the Theory of Human Evolution to support his claim. “Home-Sapiens being followed by Homo-Sexuals is a natural extension in the chain of Human Evolution” he maintained. “The Prime Minister is busy signing the Nuclear Deal to light homes across the county when thousands of gays are living in utter darkness”, he added angrily.

Ritesh Jain, who is on an Indefinite Alcohol Diet in support of Gays told us that he idolizes the Union Health Minister Ambumoni Ramdoss and that article 377 of IPC is totally unconstitutional. He added that the article curbs the basic rights of the community. He is shocked at Home Minister Shivraj Patil’s attitude towards the whole issue. “Everything should start at Home” he added, leaving the interpretation open for our Faking News readers.

Critic Saurabh Naik from Young Legs Foundation blamed it on the Fab 5 in the Indian team,”There are a lot of 35+ cricketers in the Indian cricket team who, being unable to understand the New Age Style of cricket have given rise to the entire controversy” he said maintaining his earlier stand that India should dispose of its ageing stars.

Union Minister for Unacceptable Sections of the Society, Mr. Angad Kalra has said that he will set a high level committee to look into the issue. “We are also considering the possibility of Delimitation of seats for Gays to protect the secular fabric of the country” he said.

Original Link at Faking News